movieman_kev A young polish vampire is taken out by his slut sister to finally penetrate a victim with his small fangs in California. A nonstop barrage of groan worthy puns, silly sight gags, and stupid little sound effects pummel the victim..umm..i mean viewer into submission. This film is simply awful, and at not even an hour and a half is STILL way too long. I found myself bored to tears. Even '80's ultra-nerd Eddie Deezen can't save this foolish film from crashing and burning. Falling to the trash heap of cinematic history. Some people may find this turd funny. I never wish to meet said people.My Grade: D- DVD Extras: Director's commentary; Mark Pirro bio; TV spots; 3 minutes of deleted scenes; 29 minute documentary; Teaser and full Trailer

classicsoncall If, like the female protagonist in "Polish Vampire in Burbank", you can't get enough of vampire movies, you might as well add this one to your list. But be warned, this ham and cheese fest defies simple classification, as it aims for comic horror and winds up a horrific comedy.To be sure, the simple plot has an original touch. The lead character, vampire Dupah (Mark Pirro), has yet to bite his first victim; he gets human blood from his father (Hugh O. Fields) and oversexed sister Yvonne (Marya Gant) on their nightly excursions, and drinks his allotment with a straw from a baggy. Utilizing every double entendre in the book, the film proceeds to follow Dupah's agonizing quest to lose his vampiric virginity. He laments that his fangs may be too small, he worries about his first act of penetration, and wonders if he can "go all the way". Dupah is encouraged by the skeletal chatter of his older brother Sphincter (Eddie Deezen), even though in life he hated the sight of blood, and met his demise when he couldn't outrun a sunrise, the classic curse of the vampire.There are more unique elements as well; in a flashback sequence we learn how Sphincter almost had the Holy Ghost beat into him by the Judo for Jesus Girl (Catharine Wheatley). The "Queerwolf" concept (Paul Farbman) is probably the best of the film, he was a normal man before "it" happened - but since being bitten by a queer during a full moon, he has trouble keeping his wrist straight.Eventually, Dupah jacks up the courage to bite his new girlfriend Delores Lane (Lori Sutton), and as he completes his mission, his accomplishment is heralded by the strains of the "Rocky" theme.The film, produced on a shoestring by Mark Pirro doing triple duty as actor, writer and director, suffers from poor production values, but hey, it made a half million dollars on a next to nothing budget of twenty five hundred bucks. It makes me wonder what a big budget film with today's technology could accomplish.So, was there anything actually scary about "Polish Vampire"? Well yes, there's Ernie and Misty (Steven and Bobbi Dorsch) doing a Sonny and Cher impression. One last thought, was it just me, or did the skeleton of Dupah in the film's finale look like Michael Jackson?

stsebastian1990 This is the worst movie I've ever seen. At the end I had no idea what it was about. If a film student offered this for a class project, he would flunk. A grade school student would do better. The distributer should be ashamed.

mcgee4468 Some friends & I found "Polish Vampire" on the video shelves one night over ten years ago, and it's tribute to simplistic humor and silly sound effects inspired us to create a series of films ourselves - which, should any of us ever decide to run for congress, you'll no doubt see. I found a copy of "Polish Vampire" on E-Bay, got some of the old gang together and we laughed at the same jokes and silly sounds of Dupah's stomach growling. We abstained this time from making more films, but all decided that "Polish Vampire" is, like, comedy for the ageless, for sure.