MBunge Ay-yi-yi! Dios Mio! This gargantuanly graceless joke of a motion picture makes Latinos look worse than a marathon of those old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons narrated by Charo. If you weren't for building a wall along the southern boarder of the U.S., you will be after watching Carlita's Secret. Watching the lovely and talented Eva Longoria in this excremental epic is like seeing a baby swallow a diamond ring and having to wait for it to come out the other end. You could genetically increase the intelligence of an aardvark, give him the cast of the Jersey Shore to work with, a budget so cheap it could pay half the cost of a hand job from a hook-handed crack whore and your super-aardvark STILL couldn't make movie as bad as this one.Before I even bother with the plot, let me make a few things clear. Outside of Miss Longoria, the actors here don't have enough collective talent to fill up a flea's thimble. I have seen episodes of "Cheaters" that were better directed than this. If you hit someone in the head repeatedly with a rusty metal truncheon and transcribed the sounds they made after every blow, you'd have better dialog than what is spoken here. The set design makes the cheapest tellanovella look like an Oscar winner. There is choreography here so awful it makes Dancing With The Stars look like the Bolshoi Ballet. And the soundtrack…oh, merciful heavens, the soundtrack! Not only is it bad enough to make your ears tear themselves off your head to get away from it, not only it is so loud you care barely hear what any character is saying, not only is it so constant that it feels like you're trapped in some drug-addled teen rave, but it's chock full of awesomely inappropriate rap songs. Over and over does Carlita's Secret try to reach a dramatic high point, only for some rapper throwing the F-word around like confetti to obliterate even the best intentions of these colossal filmmaking failures.The story concerns a young woman named Carlita (Eva Longoria) and her drug-dealing boyfriend Angel (Alain Mora). He brings her along on a deal that goes bad, leading to Carlita taking shelter with another drug dealer and his bi-curious wife. Things jump forward 8 years and Carlita is now a famous night club dancer named Lexus, having adopted the name to hide her identity from both the criminals betrayed by her old boyfriend and from the cops. How being a famous dancer is supposed to fit in with the whole "hiding" stuff is something never considered during production of this debacle. Things start to go wrong for Carlita when the betrayed criminals come sniffing around along with a police detective I call Not Seth MacFarlane because that's exactly what he looks like. There's also another young woman who teams up with Carlita and the movie spends an inordinate amount of time trying to confuse the audience about her agenda, even though a mollusk would figure out the character the second she reappears on screen.That's all the plot I'm going to get into because thinking about is making me want to go to the bathroom. Suffice it to say that there are some people in this world who should never try to tell a story and I think most of them worked on Carlita's Secret.This manifestation of incompetent cinema is so breathtakingly frightful that, by the end, it even manages to make Miss Longoria's bosom look bad. This is as poorly made as anything I've ever seen. Eva Longoria could get buck naked and make out with Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross and Harriet Sansom Harris and that wouldn't Carlita's Secret worth renting. If you think this is any good, you should be ejected from the solar system.

sttt3 Well, I rented this film at Hollywood Video because I recognized Eva Longoria's name from Desperate Houswives. She is much younger in this picture. It is a bit of a action thriller story set in Miami. Wild club scenes with music and that kiss that everybody has heard about. She however remains a true blue female. My boyfriend loved the scenes with the sexy ladies in their sexy outfits. I would say it was a decent film to watch on a rainy afternoon. I liked the Latino flavor. The ending was pretty good with the gun scenes. There are so many films out there that are not big screen titles that I enjoy seeing. Givng the independent producer a chance to have his talent seen. Some other titles I would recommend is 30 Miles. Another thriller with an old TV star.

Inside Source It might interest you to know that we're privy to the filmmakers who created this piece:First of all their composer--if you can call him that--wrote the music under the influence of drugs, so that's why you hear the same loop--which is what the producers wanted to use. What do you expect of penny-pinching white trash from Miami? These jokers get into the business to make a buck on you using canned stories and cheap sweatshop labor. They don't care about the quality at all--it's all about the bottom line. We happen to know from some LA sources that the reason this movie was botched from the beginning is 1) they had no money to pay professionals properly, 2) the had no idea how to make a movie in post. The director was hampered from the beginning by scenes that had to be cut because execs at the company were flying around the country taking 5-martini lunches. Secondly, the director shot only 60 pages of a 90 page script, but the producers wanted to the project to exceed 90 minutes. It came up short at 71 minutes--so the editors had to find all kinds of doubled up shots from other noble films like Miami Tail and Race Exploitation Whatnot to extend this wondrous vehicle for Eva Longoria.

MrUFOman How could I give this movie 10 stars?=)...I WAS IN IT !!, sure thats a lame reason but how many movies have you been in?In response to some of the comments posted to date-This movie was shot on a very low budget,less than a quarter of a million dollars, in defense of the prod. co. they did double the budget from their previous effort,SENORITA JUSTICE(which was shot on video for about 100k)and shot CARLITA'S SECRET on film. I thank them for hiring me and for shooting here in Miami/Ft Laud. We started with a decent script,good casting and a 3 week/18 day shooting schedule.That meant trying to shoot 5 pages of script per day (when most productions shoot 1-3 pages a day)with little room for delay or error...most of what you see in the movie are 1st or 2nd takes,once we got it,we moved on.I think all 3 female leads were great,especially EVA LONGORIA,who is actually as nice a person as she is talented and beautiful,and the movie is entertaining in a "soap opera on crack" sort of way.All the local actors did great too.(totally my opinion) peace,andy sottilare