William Samuel Red Zone Cuba (original title Night Train to Mundo Fine) is one of the most pointless, poorly made, mind numbingly boring pieces of garbage ever put on film. It has no production values, no plot to speak of, no scenes that create excitement, fear, suspense, or humor, and no reason whatsoever for existing. This is a film with no target audience, little hope of making a profit even given its $30,000 budget, and no sign that director/writer/producer/star Coleman Francis had any aspirations for this project beyond finishing it.You probably have never heard of Coleman Francis, and with good reason. Francis was a third rate actor who snagged minor roles in B-movies and TV during the fifties, then somehow got it into his head that he was capable of directing. Let me make something clear: He was not. He had no business directing films, writing films, appearing in films, or holding any job in the film industry beyond that of theatre usher. I'm not saying that Francis was one of the worst directors ever; I'm saying that he was THE worst director ever. I have seen infinitely better movies made in a week by a group of twelve and thirteen year old Boy Scouts for a merit badge class. Army training films and public service announcements from the fifties are on a higher plain of existence than anything that Coleman Francis has ever produced.Roger Corman will never be considered a great director, but his films were at least good enough to gain cult status. Michael Bey may not have any insights into plot, characterization, or working with actors, but at least he knows how to film good explosions. Ed Wood was hopelessly inept in everything he did, but there was such earnestness to his work, such a cheesy feel and a desire to please that his films have become classics of unintentional comedy. None of this can be said for Coleman Francis. His movies are dead zones of monotony and idiocy that suck all joy from the room and the very life from the viewer. Sitting through one of them is like watching paint dry in slow motion while getting a root canal in the lobby of the DMV.By now you've probably noticed that I've yet to say what Red Zone Cuba is about. I must admit that I have been putting it off as long as possible, for my sake and yours. If you're still reading by this point, Red Zone Cuba is about an escaped convict and two drifters who get conned into joining the Bay of Pigs invasion, which in this film involves about eight people on each side, including a white Fidel Castro. The three are captured, and spend just enough time in a Cuban prison to overhear a fellow inmate talk about his wife and the tungsten mine he owns.After escaping and returning to the US, they kill an old man for no discernible reason, meet the wife of the guy they left behind in Cuba, and are caught by the authorities just before reaching the tungsten mine. In the film's only bright spot, Francis's character is gunned down as he tries to flee. If you have any idea why someone would use this as the plot for a movie, please tell, because I am utterly baffled. Why, in a story that begins and ends with three destitute losers in the American Southwest, did Francis decide to include the invasion of Cuba? This must be one of the most aimless, meandering story lines ever filmed, with nothing holding this string of events together, save for the presence of the three central characters.So like I said earlier, there's no real story. There's also no real acting or dialogue. Francis and his co-stars are as wooden as cigar store Indians, reciting their handful of lines with no more emotion than an answering machine. At least there's no baffling narration in this one. Seeing John Carradine's name in the opening credits gives us brief hope that someone in this disaster will know what they're doing, but alas, he only appears in the first two minutes. I am somewhat at a loss to explain his presence in this film. I know he needed the money by this point, but how much could he have been paid out of a thirty thousand dollar budget? However much it was, it must have broken the bank, because I can't see where else the money went. In a move of almost unparalleled cheapness, Francis actually used Nevada as a stand in for Cuba.So if you haven't figured it out by now, the whole point I'm trying to make is do not watch this movie under any circumstances. There is absolutely nothing to recommend it. The original cut will scar your very soul, and even the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version will leave you struggling to stay awake. I find the very act of making and showing anything this cretinous so despicable that I can only give it zero stars. The fact that Red Zone Cuba is not the worst film Coleman Francis ever made is less a compliment to the movie than a source of unending shame to the director.

Ben Holland So there are good bad movies (plan 9, attack of the giant X monster movies) and then there are bad bad movies, like this one and Manos. The bots do some justice to these movies but what makes them just terrible is that absolutely nothing happens. Yes, the editing is beyond the pale, music sounds like it came out of a greeting card, the script is non- existent, and the acting is terrible and dull. We all know this, otherwise it won't be on MST3K. What makes this movie truly stand out is, like Manos, nothing happens for about an hour. You see cars moving, something about a truck being sold, pawning a gold ring, murdering some random person with a blind daughter, a "for rent" sign, and these are the memorable parts of the movie. The unmemorable parts involve wonderful song scenes of driving, flying, driving, climbing up somewhere not Cuba, flying, driving, sleeping, smoking, and more driving. Who could possibly forget the memorable and thrilling scene of buying some sandwich makings before getting into a car? If this reminds you of 10 minutes of random fields as credits roll by, it should.

SukkaPunch This review has been a long time coming for me. Most of the reviews I've done on this website are of low budget pictures. The Z and B grade films. There's something about them that appeals to me. It might be because I myself am a filmmaker. I've made one full length film and I know how difficult it can be even to get a shoddy film produced. Of the classic bad directors (Ed Wood, Tom Graffe, Hal Warren, and the like) Coleman Francis may be the most atypically worst. His plots are often rambling and nonsensical, and the production values are lackluster. However, much like many others (I'm sure) who have reviewed this film, his work keeps drawing people back.Red Zone Cuba is Coleman Francis' opus. Not only is it his last film, but it is his most grand in plot, setup, and story line. The film revolves around Griffin, an escaped convict, and his two drifter sidekicks Cook and Landis. On the search for the almighty dollar, they fight in the Bay of Pigs invasion as soldiers of fortune, and wind up robbing and pillaging the southwest until a shootout ends Griffin's life.The film contains all the classic Francis elements, coffee, cigarettes, implied assault scenes, closeups, and light aircrafts. The production values as you might expect are poor, as is the dialogue and acting. However, I do feel that this ambitious z-grade film is commendable. Foremost, the plot is, as I said earlier, ambitious. A shoe string budget film that involves an invasion scene, an aircraft shootout and an army training montage is no easy feat. While Francis' final product lacks the polish of a professional film, on the budget he was given I believe the product was fairly well done. His choice of sets is more than acceptable, the army base looks like an army base, the beach looks fairly close of a Cuban beach, and the bleak Yucca Flats setting was perfect for the drab remainder of the film. If I were to shoot a film like Red Zone Cuba, I could conceivably see me hiring Francis as a set director.My biggest problem with the film is the dialogue. Griffin's character of course is unlikable, there are of course all sorts of films with despicable main characters, Griffin, however is given no depth we don't get to know him, and our hatred is based only on his actions not his psyche. Likewise, we don't get to understand why his sidekicks, Landis and Cook side with him so quickly. I wanted to know more, but was not given the opportunity to given the poor script.There are sparks of genius in this film. Most often mentioned is the theme song which ties into the overall theme of evil. I also liked the film shot at the end, after the sexual assault scene when Griffin's car drives past the, "where are you going to spend eternity," sign. Small things like this show me that Coleman had at least some potential, I just wish he hired someone else for the script. Red Zone Cuba is one of those must see bad films. It's an example of a film someone made against all odds, and with few resources. It's availability outside the MST3k version is limited, but worth tracking down. If you like the z-grade check it out.

bensonmum2 Do you know what's worse than a movie directed by Coleman Francis? A movie directed by and starring Coleman Francis. I simply cannot imagine anyone watching this thing without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary. I'm a fan of "bad" movies, but Red Zone Cuba would be too much on its own. A nonsensical plot involving a Cuban invasion, the worst acting imaginable, and editing that looks as if it were done by monkeys are just a few of the "highlights". I defy anyone to find a frame of this movie that in some way isn't flawed. Every moment presents a new and even more amazing decent into putrid film-making. I cannot see giving this abomination anything higher than a 1/10.But, with the MST3K commentary, Red Zone Cuba becomes absolutely hysterical. I laughed so hard during the film's second half that I had tears in my eyes. I'll put this episode near the top of my list of favorites. Episode #619 gets a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale.