Woodyanders This jaw-dropping micro-budget abomination from the Great White North relates the brain-numbing story of several beer-swilling hosers who run afoul of hideous flesh-eating mutant bugs in a remote cabin in the woods. Man, does this exceptionally execrable atrocity possess all the right wrong stuff to qualify as a definite four-star stinkeroonie: The ham-fisted (mis)direction, terrible acting from a lame no-name cast, cheesy and ridiculous gore (one particular victim somehow manages to still remain alive for a while despite being eaten right down to the bloody bone!), obnoxious characters, insipid pop-rock soundtrack, heavy Canadian accents, alarmingly excessive consumption of hooch, a meandering narrative that unfolds at an excruciatingly sluggish pace, cruddy (far from) special effects (the bugs look like cheap dime-store wind-up toy spiders!), tin-eared profane dialogue, crude cinematography, poor post-sync dubbing, groan-inducing "it ain't over yet!" non-ending, and highly annoying and overbearing synthesizer score all ensure that this honey registers strongly as a hilariously horrendous hoot and a half. 80's porn starlet Amber Lynn has a dismal nothing role as a TV reporter who's obviously (and awkwardly) reading all of her lines off of cue cards. A gloriously ghastly marvel.

jonathan-577 OK it's late and I don't have the energy to do it justice, but I am committed to telling the world about the 'Things' screening in Toronto this past Saturday. In case you didn't hear Things is the most hilariously incompetent and berserk movie ever made in Canada (NOT the worst though - that honor goes to 'Caged Terror' - competence isn't everything) and possibly the universe. It is mostly shot on Super 8 and basically involves some hosers drinking beer and wandering around the house. They are occasionally interrupted by an inert papier-mache ant with fangs - it doesn't seem to bother anyone too much that it ate its way out of one of the guys' wife's stomach - and 'newscasts' of moonlighting pornstar Amber Lynn reading cue cards WAY off to the side somewhere. There is one scene where a guy silently waves a flashlight around a bathroom for ten full minutes. Dialogue includes "Next time we go somewhere together I'm leaving you at home!" and "Does a toilet flush during a blackout?" Star Ray TV's legendary Jan Pachul shows up as some kind of 'mad scientist' and trumps everyone with his skeezing hyperbolic delivery even though he's basically playing the same mullet-headed boob as all the others. You can not believe that this thing cost two months and $30,000 to make. They must have bought a lot of beer! But the real show was the guys themselves. Most of the crew showed up for this, the 19 1/2 anniversary screening - which they said was the first time they ever saw it with an audience! The director was a modest soft-spoken guy, but the co-writer/'star' was very stoned and just could not shut up. He seemed to alternate between embarrassed, pre-emptive defensiveness and attempted good-natured embrace of the audience's howling contempt for their work - signified by him going "HEHHEH" very short and sharp and loud about every thirty seconds during the movie. When Trash Palace proprietor Stacey Case paused the tape for intermission Gillis insisted on telling everyone how much better it was about to get. (It really really didn't.) After the movie he took to the stage and wouldn't let it go; he talked so much no one could start the Q & A, and when the director gave it a shot he talked over HIM. He repeatedly promised to give everyone an autographed DVD (with extras!!) and to interview people for a 'documentary' they were going to do about the movie. Unfortunately both were sidetracked when - AFTER the movie had been over for about ten minutes - they went to turn the camera on and couldn't get it to work. Instead we got to watch three of these guys torture the camera in the corner for perhaps fifteen minutes while Stacey tried desperately to fill up the space. Finally the guy - who had been moaning about the turnout intermittently all night - stood on the stairs and yelled something to the effect of, "I mean I don't HATE Stacey, he's gotta make a living..." at which point the heretofore mesmerized audience came to the collective realization that they might actually never ever get out of there alive, so I did everyone a favour and started making strong ready-to-go gestures like standing up and putting on my backpack. Fortunately the stars all suddenly went out for a smoke which gave us a chance to declare the evening officially over.Marijuana is a hell of a drug. I feel privileged to have been a part of this event - now "Things" will have new layers of meaning every time I watch it, which I expect will be once or twice a year for the rest of my life. (And for the record, the free DVDs did happen, after I left...peace Barry!)

Sean Moore I literally got a headache trying to finish this movie upon first viewing but then I watched it again and again. Then I started to laugh so hard i cried. When I returned it to the video store (yes kiddies a video store this one is too bad for DVD) I had to buy it. This is beyond the worst movie ever made but it is also one of my favourites, because it is soooo bad! Much like the other posts, when people try to tell me what the worst movie ever made is I quickly bring out my copy of THINGS! There is too many bad things about this film to type so if you want a real treat search this one out! Trust me you will have to struggle through it the first couple of times but it becomes so laughable you will love it! P.S. If anyone out there knows where I can pick up a copy of Barry's follow up, "Wicked World" please let me know. I am now an addict!

deheor This is it my friend. When you haunt video stores in the hope of finding the worst movies ever made you can stumble across all types of elements that can make a movie terrible but 'things' managed to combine them all to produce a film that is so bad that it totally represents the bottom of the cinematic barrel.1.Bad special effects. Check. The mutant ants (which seem to number in the dozens despite the tiny belly that they erupted from) in some scenes seem to be filled with green slime and in others, paper mache.2.Bad dialog. Check. This is one of those movie where everyone seems compelled to make noise no matter what they are doing. My favorite scene involves a man looking through cupboards and saying "Hummm" as he opens each one.3.Fully dressed Porn star. Check. Porn star and club owner Amber Lynne shows up as a reporter who spends the entire movie sitting on a chair and reading off cue cards. The remarkable thing is that in one of her first mainstream films, the set she is on has lower production values than any porn she had appeared in. 4.Referrences to better movies. Check. The biggest mistake a bad movie can make is reminding the audience of much better films and "Things" seem to revel is discussing movies like "Evil Dead" and comments about "last house on the left"I could go on but the point has already been made. Of all the movies I have seen in my life this may actually be the worst. I know negative reviews will often cause people to seek out certain films but let me just say, watch at your own risk.