John Seal
What better film to mark my one thousandth IMDb review than Velvet Smooth? If you enjoy badly shot and badly acted films, look no further. If you admire horrendous poly-knit suits, hideously ugly furniture, and sets apparently designed to duplicate the worst of suburban sprawl in the midst of the inner city, this is your film. If you're looking for a worse theme song than that featured in Darktown Strutters, Velvet Smooth has you covered there, too. And let's not overlook the film's unconvincing and badly choreographed (by co-star Owen Watson) martial arts scenes--there are times when characters appear to be playing hacky-sack rather than beating up on each other. In fact, the film's sole (soul?) redeeming quality is lead actress Johnnie Hill as the titular tough gal, a private investigator hired by local thug King Lathrop to unmask some goons who have moved in on his territory. She's not much of an actress, but she's easy on the eyes, which is more than can be said for virtually everything and everybody else in Velvet Smooth.
jonathan-577
Blaxploitation as community theatre: anyone who bemoans the incompetence of, say, "Disco 9000" should get a load of this. Not only is it shot almost entirely in master shot, but the master shots in question are frequently badly framed - off center, too much head room, hello there boom mic. Thus, the magic of cinema can do little for the worst fight choreography I've ever seen - every punch and kick lands a visible ten inches away from its target, and the director always shoots the exchange from the most unflattering angle available. Sometimes they try to deal with this by speeding up the film, to ridiculous effect; sometimes it looks like they intended to speed up the film but forgot/didn't bother, so that the fisticuffs resemble a lethargic dress rehearsal. And why is Fink trying to shoot fights when he can't even stage an exit - every time someone leaves the frame it looks like they're going to run into the cameraman. The acting isn't the problem, but it isn't the solution either, in spite of the presence of Rory Calhoun and the legendary (?!) Smedly Schmergel. The songs are the best thing about it, funky in a gawky low-budget way, especially during the big climax. Which leads inexorably to a 'twist' ending that is so tossed-off you almost miss it, and if you did miss it, it would definitely not spoil your evening anyway.
gridoon
OK, I believe an in-depth analysis is not exactly necessary for this one. Its only value is in the unintentional laughs it has to offer. The martial-arts choreography is a disgrace to the words "martial" and "arts". The girls may be sexy and smooth, but I'm sorry, a weekend's training in combat is just not enough. The stuntmen are a joke. The fights are slow, clunky, and graceless. "T.N.T Jackson" has better fight scenes than "Velvet Smooth". Peter Sellers and Burt Kwouk have better fight scenes in the "Pink Panther" films. "Benny Hill" has better fight scenes - wait, "Benny Hill" has no fight scenes, I just got carried away by all the sped-up action. Well, you get the idea anyway. I think 0.5 out of 4 stars is a fair enough grade.
sirarthurstreebgreebling
This little known film is worthy of seeking out . So o.k the production values are limited and the walls move when they close doors , but don't yours ? Our heroine is the foxy detective who is trying to find out who is breaking in to a local drug tzars turf , with plot lines skipping all over the place she soon learns not to trust anyone .. why was she hired in the first place..whats the alteria motive of the gang leader. Velvet soon discovers the truth and unleashes a whole can of "whoop ass" on the hapless baddies. Its not the best but its a hell of a lot better than the worst , and our leading lady..whoa !
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