masoperez Rarely funny even ironically and gets a star for at least having a plot that can be followed.

Solomon Terra I'm too tormented by visions of gray knit "chain mail" armor & the awesomely enormous budget my nephew's 3rd grade spring play had compared to the apparent budget of this flick. I think the best, clearest indicator of the caliber of this movie is in the list of cast on the front of IMDb's page for this movie. Billy Zane is featured prominently on the cover of the movie, but appears nowhere on the primary cast listing. The first mention you see of his name on the IMDb site itself is in the review appearing on the primary page. He may or may not be listed in the extended cast listing you can reach by clicking "full cast & crew", but I don't want to know.Just... don't. Really. You won't regret it. The other reviews are not lying. Unless you're feeling really lackadaisical and not too concerned with enjoying the experience, in which case, go for it. :-)

carmi47-1 This alleged film is nothing less than a crime against humanity, an insult to the collective intelligence of the human race. At least I was able to watch it at no cost, as it's presently on the free movies feature from Comcast, at least in my city.In an attempt to explain why this atrocity was ever put on film, I can only offer a few suggestions: 1) The supposed studio behind the film needed a tax deduction and made a film that was sure to lose them a bundle. That at least would explain the absurd claim of a $2 million budget. 2) Billy Zane needed some quick scratch to pay a traffic fine. 3) Billy Zane's career has tanked. 4) Billy Zane really ticked off somebody in Hollywood and this is the only work he can get nowadays. 4) Somebody had to grind out a film to graduate from a course at one of those basement tech schools.This film features absurdly crisp, shiny new costumes on people who have supposedly been trekking through the woods nonstop for decades, never allowed to stop walking. If you look carefully at the end credits, you will see that most of the evil king's guards keep their helmets on b/c they play other roles, so we mustn't see their faces. Note too that about 90% of this nonsense was shot outdoors (otherwise known as free scenery). I thought the only convincing performance in the film was a blind fortuneteller, who mercifully won't suffer serious professional damage as she's on screen for all of 3 minutes.You might also note that the cast of another recent Zane epic,"Darfur," overlaps considerably with that of "Promethea." I have not seen Darfur and as of right now, have no intention of doing so. Neither should you.For the first time, Plan 9 from Outer Space has a serious rival for the distinction of Worst Film Ever Made.

harris3810-1 My 12-year-old nephew chose this film off our NetFlix suggestions list. I find this suggestion extremely frightening because it proves the Internets, or NetFlix at least, are now self-aware and have the ability to read not only into your mind, but your soul. In the opening scene of the film I was skeptical; were these 'medieval' costumes so clean because they were rented and needed to be returned later that afternoon? were there actually three Snow White figures in each town? is chrome armor so effective you don't need pants? do six soldiers make an army?As the piece continued, however, my disbelief lifted like a fog and I began to really get a feel for the characters. There was a woodland hunter, so human, so fallible, who did not realize he could not kill anything with his crossbow because there was no point on the arrow. This touch of subtlety in the creation of this work of art indicates a master's hand. The 'hero' character, young, naive, beautiful, wore knee-high boots with tassels that were as new to walking as he was to battle in a stunning display of symbolism. The greenish-yellow troll thing spoke with an electronically-altered voice rendering it completely impossible to understand and his floppy rubber hands warned me: DO NOT TRUST THIS TROLL. (I did not.) In London I saw Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart perform Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot," but never before have I been blown away by a performance than last night when I saw Billy Zane's interpretation of the King (I forgot the king's name). His mannerisms: pure royalty. His face: a mirror into my own decadence. His hair: well, I think it was a wig. It would be criminal for me with my rustic intellect to even attempt a worthy critique. Like a sunrise after a storm or the birth of an angel, you must see it to fully understand its beauty and its effect on the human spirit. Many of you can appreciate a spectacular smile on a young woman, and boy does this film deliver. The filmmakers were well aware of the little-known tactic 'Amazon' warriors used with great effect: distract your enemy with the nearly-exposed female form. The grace and fluidity in movement of these lady-soldiers complement their skill as orators. When a supple young bodyguard tightens her delectable abdomen and draws a deep breath before pledging her very life to protect the princess, you find yourself hoping the situation never calls for blood, because she. is. serious. SPOILER: She lives like 2 more minutes. I realize this review must gloss over much of the film, but the one scene that cannot be overlooked, the culmination of hours, maybe days of writing, setting up, filming, is the final epic battle between good and evil. The King's general, Fat Round-Faced Bald Man with No Pants, finally confronts our hero and his sexy entourage. With an army of at least 6 men, No Pants Man boldly dispatches everyone in his way, even our hero's beloved mentor who was supposed to be an awesome warrior. Fortunately, our hero is reminded through (rather ill-timed) flashback to "Remember his Destiny!" and soundly defeats No Pants Man by knocking tobacco juice out of his mouth. Our hero and his semi-buff, shirtless brother, accompanied by super-hot princess run to thrust the glowing sword into a pile of cardboard. I am not sure why the film crew chose cardboard, but it worked. Miles away, Billy Zane burst into flames (much like my eyes had done during his performance) and that was pretty much it. All the 'townsfolk' in their very clean costumes walked towards their dazzling castle, painted on the sky in the far distance. In conclusion, this film, this commentary on the human condition, has started me on a new path. I no longer overlook starving homeless people. Now I look on with pity. I pick litter up off the street (as long as there is a trash can nearby). Please, take 84 minutes to watch this film and let's make the world a better place. One Star for only being 84 minutes long.