Red-Barracuda
A washed-up writer ventures into the Colombian jungle in search of gold. He gets much more than he bargained for, however, when he discovers a 15th century Spanish galleon located inside an alien spaceship, which in turn is inside a mountain! His discovery isn't universally popular, though, and it leads him to be pursued by Neo-Nazis and other shady characters out to kill him.The above synopsis really makes Top Line sound considerably better than it actually is. The ideas are much greater than the execution. It's a silly story but that often results in entertainment on the screen. At best, this one only achieves this fairly sporadically. With scenes involving the galleon, the cyborg and the alien being the best. For the most part it's a mediocre thriller though. The main fault most probably has to be levelled at the direction which is lacking in any proper focus. It does have some half-way decent make-up effects during the cyborg and alien scenes but maybe it could have done with more. It stars the reliable pairing of Franco Nero as the writer and George Kennedy as a Nazi leader; the latter is dubbed with a strange accent.
BA_Harrison
Maybe I sound a little crazy here, but I actually think that bottom-of-the-barrel Italian schlock-fest Top Line bears quite a few similarities to major studio, big-budget blockbuster Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: like Spielberg's film it is a jungle adventure that veers clumsily into sci-fi territory, the shoe-horning in of some silly space nonsense resulting in a series of truly dumb sequences that beggar belief (although, as daft as things get, there's still nothing quite as moronic as Crystal Skull's 'nuke the fridge' scene).Franco Nero plays Angelo, a washed-up writer living in Cartagena, Colombia (shades of Romancing the Stone), whose search for conquistador gold leads him to a mountain cave where he uncovers a 500 year-old Spanish galleon—inside a frickin' U.F.O. of all places!!!. This bizarre discovery brings him to the attention of various organisations who want to silence him before he can tell his story: an antiquities dealer (George Kennedy) tries to run him down in a cactus patch; he's the hapless passenger in the back of a chicken truck driven along a perilous mountain road by drunken Colombian farmers; a killer cyborg with a melted face (Rodrigo Obregón) tries to terminate him; and his ex-wife (Mary Stavin) turns out to be a flesh-eating extra-terrestrial, one of a race of aliens that have integrated themselves into human society with a view to taking over the planet.With all of this lunacy going on, Top Line could have been a classic of trash cinema, but Nello Rossati's haphazard narrative and flat direction, plus a lot of dull dialogue, means that the film is rarely as much fun as it sounds. Some fairly decent make-up effects (the cyborg and the alien are effective for the budget) and a touch of gratuitous nudity ensure that total boredom never completely sets in, but those tempted by the film's delightfully bonkers moments should be prepared for a large helping of boredom to go with the unintentional hilarity.
Woodyanders
Alcoholic struggling writer Ted Angelo (an amusing performance by the always dependable Franco Nero) discovers a UFO hidden in a cave in the Columbian jungle. Ted tries to spread the word about his discovery, but the CIA, KGB, the mob, Neo-Nazis, and even aliens do their best to suppress the news. Sound good? Well, this movie doesn't amount to much despite the loopy script by Nellow Rossati and Roberto Gianviti. Rossati's pedestrian direction not only generates precious little tension, momentum, and excitement, but also allows the erratic pace to lag throughout (the opening third in particular is pretty talky and drawn-out). Moreover, the action scenes tend to be rather tepid and the plot becomes more increasingly ludicrous as it unfolds, although there's still a nifty surprise twist pertaining to one of the main female characters at the conclusion. The cast do their best with the muddled material: Deborah Moore registers nicely as Angelo's feisty English gal pal June, Mary Stavin likewise does well as icy bitch Maureen De Havilland, Andy Sidaris movie regular Rodrigo Obregon has a cool part as vicious flunky June, William Berger is likable in a regrettably minor role as Angelo's kindly friend Alonso Kintero, and a hilariously miscast George Kennedy provides a few substantial unintentional laughs as pernicious German (!) heavy Heinrich Holzmann. The exotic locations add some much-needed flavor and a decent smattering of tasty female nudity prevents things from becoming too tedious. However, the jumbled narrative makes it often hard to tell what's going on -- and even harder to care. Overall not a bad movie; just a really blah and hence instantly forgettable one.
Chris Cole
The storyline is akin to hanging out with a drunk in Mexico. While you might want to respect the lore, to favor the new friend, in the end you know the story is full of crap, and holes. This is the experience of the movie: you hang around in the hope there is an ultimate payoff. The journey is not fun, as it is not stupid enough to be fun. It is more like watching Rockford Files on the cheap. If you want to hear the lizard-people's manifesto, zip to the end. Strange to me how the "advanced" races from space sweat slime and want to eat humans. Just can't see how they make advanced tech with clumsy talons, and appetites for sentient flesh.
AD
