Scott_Mercer One of the more goofball artifacts of 70's martial arts action film nuttery.A golden idol that serves as a model for special acupuncture needle placement is sought by all parties, both good and bad.The lumbering, leaden anti-charm of Joe Don Baker, probably by now most famous for the awful "Mitchell" keenly eviscerated by MST3k, drains so much of the potential of what could have been a much more enjoyable "Mac Guffin with Kung Fu" fun fest.Elizabeth Ashley does well in a somewhat one-dimensional role, much less thankless than all the Asian actors, who are either generic Baddies or Damsels-in-Distress (or ass-kicking Damsels).Burgess Meredith seems to be having a lot of fun here, and fortunately livens up many of the scenes he has with Joe Don, Mister Anti-Charisma.If they had just thrown in Scatman Crothers and Anthony Zerbe, you would have a Seventies jackpot.The insane fight scene in the health club/gym or whatever it was, featuring a bunch of naked old guys taking a shower, boggles the mind, but hey, that were The Seventies, when anything that goes did.And show me another film with both Ann Sothern and Jim Kelly in it. I don't think you'll find one.Yes, if you haven't heard of this one, this is a ridiculous way to waste 90 minutes. But you will enjoy making fun of this.

phillindholm ''Golden Needles'' was one of American International Pictures 20 year anniversary releases. A mixture of the then-popular Martial Arts genre with a ''Maltese Falcon'' like plot, it's a fast-moving, popcorn movie, the kind they used to make in the 40's. Starring Joe Don Baker (''Walking Tall'') and Elizabeth Ashley(''Rancho Deluxe''), the film spins an actionful tale, set in the seamy section of Hong Kong.Baker is a soldier of fortune-turned Antique Dealer, (or, maybe the other way around) who is hired by a mystery woman (Ashley) to steal a priceless ancient statue with the power to bestow long life (and sexual vigor) or instant death to he(or she) who owns it. Ashley herself has been cheated out of the statue by a powerful Chinese gang leader Roy Chiao) and she's after it for HER employer (a wizened Burgess Meredith, having a ball with his eccentric character). Karate star Jim Kelly (''Enter The Dragon'') appears briefly as Baker's partner in the Antique business. The legendary Ann Sothern is also aboard,and she's fine as another of Baker's pals, the tough but good-hearted proprietor of a seedy bar. Beautiful Frances Fong is around as well, as an agent for the Hong Kong government and also in pursuit of the statue.Double-crosses, fights, chases and mayhem ensue, but though the plot has more than it's share of threads, it is never confusing, thanks to ''Dragon's'' director, Robert Clouse, who treats it like the old-fashioned ''B'' movie it really is. Though produced on a low budget, as was the case with most American International movies,it looks like every penny spent is on the screen. The location photography is excellent, as is the classy art direction, and both lend plenty of atmosphere to the story.The sets are also impressive,one in particular at the start of the film, is very reminiscent of the witch's lair in ''Suspiria'',but it pre-dates that film by 2 years. High praise goes to Lalo Schifrin's pulsating score as well. Though Meredith and Sothern were obviously added for their name value and have little to do,they, along with the rest of the cast seem to be enjoying themselves immensely,and if the viewer can suspend disbelief a bit and just go along with the story, they will, too. Previously available only in Canada, on a pan-and scan videotape, ''Golden Needles'' was released on DVD as part of the ''MGM DVD ON DEMAND'' series. It's presented in it's original Panavision format, with rich color and strong (if a bit grainy) picture quality. The sound is always intelligible,though slightly distorted here and there. But, all in all, it's a welcome release of a film that's been sadly neglected over the years. And one that may now get the attention it deserves.

Comeuppance Reviews There is a statue that everyone is after, because inside it are the golden needles - acupuncture needles that, if placed in exactly the right spots on the body, can turn any man into a superman (according to the poster's tagline, they can rule the world). Since Felicity (Ashley) isn't willing to buy it for 250,000 dollars, she hires Dan (Baker), an adventurer based out of Hong Kong, to get it for her. He agrees, and brings on board his friend Jeff (Kelly) to help him out. But it's not going to be easy, because everyone from Lin Toa (Chiao) to eccentric millionaire Winters (Meredith) is hot on the trail of this mysterious statue as well. Every trick in the book is used to obtain the statue, including inexplicable teams of guys in gold protective suits with flamethrowers torching where they think it is. Will Dan and Jeff prevail? Man, we're really getting tired of these PG-rated actioners. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that rating, but you can't really pull out all the stops. While there are some fights and some intrigue, and even some mild torture (inflicted on legendary actress Ann Sothern of all people), the film lacks drive and is filled with...well...filler.For example, Jim Kelly is painfully underused here. He doesn't show up until 47 minutes in, and does one very brief fight. Even the end credits say "Jim Kelly's Fight Sequence Choreographed By Himself". Fight SEQUENCE? This really shouldn't be in the singular. There should have been multiple Jim Kelly fight sequences. But we are treated to some Joe Don Baker-Fu, and it's nice to see him looking so young, and, by his standards, vigorous.While the film is shot very well and has a nice Lalo Schifrin score, and a cast of familiar faces, it's really hard to overcome the slow pace. It would be perfect for a young kid who wants to see an action-type film, but it seems a kid would be bored by much of the proceedings. So the film is caught in a bind. Yes, it was directed by Robert Clouse, who has a lot of famous films to his credit, but Golden Needles was not released on VHS (at least not in America) during the heyday of the video store, so it never had a chance to become a cult classic. Not that it definitely would have, but it never even got a fighting chance. This happened a lot with AIP (American International Pictures, not Action International) movies. I don't know if it was rights issues or just bad business practices, but a lot of their movies didn't get the attention they deserved during the VHS era. This was just one of those casualties, it seems.And, in the final analysis, despite the presence of Burgess Meredith and his awesome bowties, Golden Needles is Saturday afternoon stuff which left a lot to be desired and, sadly, is ultimately unsuccessful. It's not without some merits, and we've seen much, MUCH worse, but ultimately it did not deliver the goods.for more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

MARIO GAUCI Despite bringing together a newly-born film star – Joe Don Baker, fresh from the box-office smash, WALKING TALL (1973) – and action director – Robert Clouse, of ENTER THE DRAGON (1973) fame – this a lamentably lackluster martial arts flick about the search for (or rather the chase after) a bronze statue which contains seven golden all-curing acupuncture needles which is craved by various parties.Baker is a retired detective slumming it out in Hong Kong who is hired by an enterprising ‘cowgirl’ (Elizabeth Ashley) to look for the titular commodities on behalf of her mysterious employer. Baker comes in possession of the statue early on in the game but it is subsequently stolen from the house of an old Asian teacher of his who is murdered; consequently, he teams up with his colored partner Jim Kelly (saddled with an Afro hair-do typical of the era) in L.A. to go after the bad guys – with a little help from a butt-kicking Asian policewoman and her colleagues. Hollywood veterans Burgess Meredith (as the villainous old businessman who seeks immortality) and Ann Sothern (as a Hong Kong madam who takes punishment like a man to protect Baker) bring some much needed spice to the largely indifferent proceedings.